Last Night at the Limit: A Screenplay Excerpt, Alan Robinson
February 28th, 2010 | Published in Volume XV: The Bright Side
25 EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE LIMIT CLUB. NIGHT.
SPARKY
Fancy a coffee?
LAURIE
Yeh. I’ve had enough partying.
Is there any caff’s round here?
SPARKY
I ain’t paying for scran.
26 EXT. COUNCIL FLAT WALKWAY. NIGHT, TC
LAURIE
’Do you live here?
SPARKY
Used to.
HE PRODUCES A KEY, BUT FINDS THE DOOR ISN’T LOCKED.
SPARKY
Things don’t change much.
THEY GO IN.
27 INT. SPARKY’S MUM’S COUNCIL FLAT. NIGHT. TC
A DINGY, TACKY PLACE DONE OUT IN CHEAP LEATHER AND TIGER MOTIFS LIKE A 70’S DISCO. THERE ARE DARK RED LIGHTS.
VAN MORRISON’S “ IT’S TOO LATE TO STOP NOW “ IS PLAYING IN THE BEDROOM, FROM WHERE WE HEAR SEXUAL GRUNTS.
THE SONG APPROACHES THE CLIMAX, WHICH THE LOVERS ARE WAITING FOR. AS THE FINAL CRESCENDO BEGINS, WHICH WOULD LEAD TO ORGASM, SPARKY PICKS UP A CARVING KNIFE, GOES INTO THE BEDROOM AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT.
28 INT. SPARKY’S MUM’S FLAT BEDROOM. NIGHT. TC
SPARKY
Let’s be having you!
SPARKY’S MUM PEEKS OUT FROM UNDERNEATH HER LOVER, AGHAST.
MUM’S LOVER
What the?
THE BLEARY LOVER, IN A BED SURROUNDED BY BEER BOTTLES, TAKE – AWAY CARTONS AND OTHER RUBBISH, IS ANGRY, THEN SEES SPARKY IS WIELDING A HUGE CARVING KNIFE.
SPARKY
Why not take her back to yours?
THE MUM’S LOVER DITHERS, GRASPING FOR HIS CLOTHES.
SPARKY
Wife wouldn’t like it I bet.
SPARKY’S MUM
What’s up with you?
SPARKY
Just thought I’d pay you a visit.
This is Laurie.
LAURIE
Er, hi – sorry.
SPARKY
Keep moving, keep moving!
HE GLOWERS AT THE LOVER AND TAPS HIS PALM WITH THE KITCHEN KNIFE.
THEY MOVE INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
29 SPARKY’S MUM’S FLAT LIVING ROOM. DAY. TC
SPARKY’S MUM
I should have strangled you with your umbilical cord.
SPARKY
Mine, was it? I thought umbilical meant it joined the two of us.
SPARKY’S MUM
Umbilical means: why don’t you use your own flat?
SPARKY
Too far out.
SPARKY’S MUM
Give us the keys. We’ll go there.
SPARKY
Go on then.
HE GIVES HER A KEY.
SPARKY’S MUM
Come on, we’ll get a cab.
SPARKY FOLLOWS THE MAN’S EYES AS HE GOES OUT, SPARKY STILL TAPPING THE KNIFE.
SPARKY THRUSTS THE VAN MORRISON CD IN THE LOVER’S CHEST.
SPARKY
There you are fella. I hear you can
only get it up to that tune.
SPARKY’S MUM
(To LOVER) Don’t listen to him. He’s a stirrer.
(To SPARKY) We’ll leave you alone with Laura.
LAURIE
(PUZZLED) Laurie – the name’s Laurie.
SPARKY’S MUM SNEERS AT THEM.
SHE AND HER LOVER GO.
SPARKY
Right. Coffee it is!
LAURIE
Your mum – I take it she was your mum? –
Is very accepting.
SPARKY
You have to be in her line of business.
SPARKY PUTS ON GEORGE MICHAEL’S
“ CARELESS WHISPER “ AS HE MAKES THE COFFEE. HE DROPS A PILL IN THE CUP.
HE AND LAURIE SIT NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER ON THE SOFA, SIPPING COFFEE.
THEY GRIN AT ONE ANOTHER.
LAURIE
What a night, eh?
THEIR ARMS AND LEGS ARE TOUCHING.
SPARKY
Don’t you get hacked off with girls?
LAURIE
I know what you mean.
SPARKY
All the fuckin’ same.
LAURIE
Yeh.
SPARKY
I seen you with that posh one –
HE RUBS LAURIE’S FOOT WITH HIS OWN.
SPARKY
The one who’s been to elocution. Talks like Helena Bonham Carter.
LAURIE
I suppose she does a bit, she trained to be an actress.
SPARKY
They’re all actresses. That one (NODS AT THE DOOR) swears she’s my mum.
SPARKY PUTS HIS HAND OVER LAURIE’S, AS THE SONG BECOMES DRAMATIC.
SPARKY
Ever felt like boycotting them?
LAURIE
Are you…?
SPARKY
Ever hear that old song:
“ Love the One You’re With “?
LAURIE
Can’t say I have.
SPARKY
One ‘ o’ me mum’s favourites.
The old hippy scrubber.
It’s the way I was brought up.
LAURIE
You mean,
(SINGS) – If you can’t be with the one you love
SPARKY
Yeah – shag a piece of wood wi’ a hole in it.
LAURIE
Not very romantic.
SPARKY
George Michael’s the boy. Isn’t this song romantic?
LAURIE
Yes but…
SPARKY
Whatever made you think it was about a girl?
LAURIE
I suppose I just assumed.
SPARKY IS NESTLING AGAINST HIS ARM, BECOMING SLEEPY.
LAURIE STARTS TO APPEAR A BIT NERVOUS.
LAURIE
I don’t suppose I can get a cab here this time of night?
SPARKY
Taxis won’t come here in broad daylight.
LAURIE BECOMES DROWSY.
LAURIE
What’s in this coffee?
LAURIE SLUMPS ON TO SPARKY.
SPARKY LOOKS SMUGLY PLEASED.
30 INT. SPARKY’S MUM’S FLAT BEDROOM. NEXT MORNING.
LAURIE TURNS OVER AS HE’S WAKING UP AND PUTS HIS ARM OVER SPARKY. FEELS THE HEAD OF HAIR AND REALISES HE IS NOT AT HOME.
LAURIE LOOKS AROUND AND SITS BOLT UPRIGHT. WE SEE HIS NEW WATCH ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. HE HURRIEDLY GETS UP AND GETS DRESSED.
HE DASHES OUT.
31 EXT MAIN STREET. DAY. TC
LAURIE LOOKS UP AND DOWN.
LAURIE
Where the fuck is this?
HE DASHES ACROSS THE ROAD AND IS NEARLY MOWN DOWN.
HE GETS ON THE BUS.
32 INT. BUS. DAY. TC
THE DRIVER WAITS FOR HIM TO PAY.
LAURIE FORLORNLY FEELS IN HIS EMPTY POCKETS
33 EXT. MAIN ROAD. DAY. TC
LAURIE WALKS ALONG THE ROAD BEHIND THE DEPARTING BUS.
34 INT. CORNER SHOP DAY THIRTY MINUTES LATER.
LAURIE LOOKS ALONG THE SHELVES ANXIOUSLY AND WITH GREAT CARE.
BETTY, THE OWNER, A BUTCH WOMAN IN HER FIFTIES BUILT LIKE A WRESTLER, WATCHES HIM.
BETTY
(SCEPTICALLY) Can I be of help?
LAURIE
Er, looking for a gift.
BETTY
What’s the budget for this gift?
LAURIE
Could you put it on the slate?
I’ll come in this Sunday.
BETTY
It’s Sunday today.
LAURIE
Next Sunday.
BETTY
What sort of gift are you looking for?
LAURIE LOOKS CRESTFALLEN AND CORNERED.
BETTY
That special is it? I’m surprised
You didn’t go to Poundland.
SHE DISAPPEARS INTO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND RE-EMERGES WITH A SMALL BOX OF CHOCOLATES
BETTY
Here. They’re on the house.
LAURIE
Really? Cheers Betty.
BETTY
It’s only ‘cos I’ve known you so long.
I hope she likes them.
LAURIE
Thanks.
BETTY
You’re welcome.
LAURIE GOES, CLUTCHING THE CHOCOLATES IN A BROWN PAPER BAG.
BETTY
I should have been in marriage guidance.
`
35 INT. LAURIE’S AND ANNA’S HOUSE. DAY.
LAURIE LOOKS AT THE CHOCOLATE BOX, AND STARTS HUNTING ROUND FOR SOMETHING IN A CUPBOARD.
HE EVENTUALLY SCRABBLES IN A CUPBOARD FULL OF XMAS CURIOS AND TAKES OUT A CHRISTMAS DECORATION BAUBLE, WHICH HE STICKS TO THE BROWN PAPER BAG CONTAINING THE CHOCOLATES.
HE TAKES IT INTO THE BEDROOM, WHERE ANNA IS DROWSILY WAKING UP.
36 INT. LAURIE’S AND ANNA’S BEDROOM. DAY. TC
ANNA
I had a crap anniversary.
LAURIE
Me too.
LAURIE
I’ll get some coffee.
ANNA WAKES UP AND SEES THE GIFT ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE.
LAURIE BRINGS IN THE COFFEE.
ANNA
Is this for me? How thoughtful.
ANNA IS ABOUT TO OPEN IT, THEN STOPS.
ANNA
I had a crap anniversary.
LAURIE
You said that. Aren’t you going to open it?
ANNA
Yes, but I want to enjoy this.
Let’s make today our anniversary.
Wait a minute.
ANNA GETS UP AND GOES NEXT DOOR TO TURN ON THE STEREO.
LAURIE MEANWHILE LOOKS AT HIS BEDRAGGLED STATE IN THE MIRROR.
ANNA COMES BACK AND GETS INTO BED FEELING AMOROUS.
SHE STARTS UNDRESSING LAURIE. SHE IS HOT, AND KISSES HIM ALL OVER.
HE FEELS BESIEGED, BUT JOINS IN.
AS SHE IS GETTING AROUSED, “ CARELESS WHISPER “ IS HEARD FROM NEXT DOOR.
JUST AS HE MIGHT HAVE RISEN TO THE OCCASION, THE SOUND OF “ CARELESS
WHISPER “ CAUSES LAURIE TO DROOP.
ANNA
What’s wrong?
LAURIE
I don’t know.
ANNA
Remember this? I thought it would remind us.
SHE PUTS HER HEAD ON HIS CHEST.
LAURIE
The memories are flooding back.
SHE TRIES TO GET HIM GOING AGAIN, BUT HE’S NOT THERE.
LAURIE
(SINGS) – I’m sorry. .
(FROM A HOTHOUSE FLOWERS SONG)
ANNA
If you didn’t turn everything into a song title you’d be able to do it.
ANNA BEGINS DESULTORILY OPENING HER PRESENT.
ANNA
Maybe we should see marriage guidance.
LAURIE
We’d have to get married first, then be heading for divorce.
ANNA
What time is it?
LAURIE
I don’t have a watch.
ANNA
Oh yes you do, where is it?
LAURIE
In my pocket I think.
ANNA
Show it me you bastard. Whenever you lose a watch it means you’ve slept with someone new.
ANNA FINALLY WRENCHES THE XMAS BAUBLE OFF THE BROWN PAPER BAG.
ANNA
You shouldn’t have! – Your favourite chocolates.
What’s this? Sell– by date 31.12 004.
The night you told me you were leaving me
for that fucking Geisha who was something
in the theatre. Tell you what,
SHE THRUSTS THE CHOCOLATES INTO HIS CHEST.
ANNA
Why don’t we cut out the middle man?
Forget marriage guidance. Let’s just split up.
It’s an anniversary we’ll always have
SHE GETS OUT OF BED LEAVING LAURIE LOOKING DAZED AND CONFUSED.
LAURIE
(SINGS WISTFULLY) I’m A Changing Man
(OPENING LINE FROM PAUL WELLER SONG)
ANNA PAUSES NEAR THE DOOR AND PICKS UP A SHOE.
SHE WEIGHS IT IN HER HAND, TURNS.
LAURIE COVERS HIS FACE WITH CROSSED ARMS AND FLINCHES.
LAURIE
(SINGS) Relax
(OPENING WORD OF FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD SONG).
ANNA THROWS THE SHOE.
PICTURE FREEZES.
THE END